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November 2012

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Are You Just Hungry Or Do You Just Like Snacking on My Fingers?

Nobody has had more bad luck with blind dates than me. My very first blind date seemed nice at first. But once she started to talk, she just would not quit. At some point during her one way discourse, she started to talk about her kidney problems. Apparently she had recurring kidney stone issues. I was dumb struck during this diatribe on her part, which she took to be undivided interest on my part. I guess at one point I expressed my disbelief in what she was saying. So she said, “You think I am making this up? Well check this out then!”. She rummaged through her bag and extracted a small pill bottle. She dumped the contents on the table. To my horror there they were staring at me! Three little rocks, which she told me were her keepsake kidney stones. Her obsession required that she carry them with her all the time! I have heard of people keeping baby teeth, but kidney stones are just too weird for me.

After dinner, she went to the ladies room while I waited at the table. After what seemed like a half hour, she had still not returned. I started to worry. The next time the waitress came by I asked her if she would check up on her for me. The next thing I know the waitress comes out yelling for someone to call an ambulance saying a young women had passed out in the washroom. I ran in to see if there was anything I could do to help and noticed vomit all over the floor. Apparently she was bulimic and is now being treated for the disorder. I had not really noticed a problem. She had seemed a bit wan and skinny, but I just thought that maybe she had been sick lately. I guess it just goes to show you that there are some very sick people walking around and you would not know it if you are not specifically looking for it.

I had a few more blind dates. Most of them had some interesting personality quirks, which is likely why they were not attached to anyone. There was miss metalica who wore tons of piercings, miss bubbly who saw the world through rose colored glasses, the body canvas girl who thought that her skin was a canvas for a series of tattoo artists to adorn, and the bride of Frankenstein who was all decked out in black with white and black makeup. Since I have seen all of them dating other guys since, I have just put them all down to basic incompatibilities.

My final blind date was the icing on the cake for me, or should I say the straw that broke the camel's back. An old friend of mine (we have now parted ways) gave me her email address and told me she was really hot, just misunderstood. Anyway we chatted through email and spoke on the phone several times, she sounded very sexy and cool so I could hardly wait to meet her. She seemed to be very enamoured with me as well. We chose to meet at a Red Lobster because it was half way for both of us and she had a preference for sea food. In a bid to make a good first impression, I arrived first and secured our reservation at a window seat. When I saw an old shit box vehicle pull into the parking lot I thought, “OH DEAR GOD”  please don't let it be her! Unfortunately it was. Her body was pressed so close to the windshield that I thought the airbag had exploded!

My hot sexy date was huge! Like a blob of blubber! She had totally set me up! She said she was slender. Nothing from the animal world could compare to the blobs of fat hanging from her body. Jabba the Hutt from Star Wars came to mind. 

I may be sounding like 'Shallow Hal' in that movie of the same name, but I like to think I am a gentleman. So I composed myself and decided to stick out my commitment to have supper together. To that end, I met her with a smile on my face. I met her as she came in the door and took her back to my table to order our food. When our food came, she had difficulty reaching it because her stomach was in the way. I was stunned to watch her calmly pick up the end of the table, pull it towards her, and plunk the edge of it on her abdomen. I forgot my hunger and just stared at her as she proceeded to wolf down her dinner. She asked me if I minded if she nibbled off of my plate because she was still a bit hungry. When I nodded assent, she just grabbed my plate, put it in front of her and proceeded to make short work of it as well On top of this, she ordered and ate three different deserts, all the time remarking at how she thought that desert was the best part of any meal. I paid the bill and extricated myself from the situation as gracefully as I could. I stopped at a Burger King on the way home because I had not managed to eat a thing during my ordeal. I just ordered regular sizes. I just did not have the desire to face any more whoppers that night. I had had enough super sizes for the night. She e-mailed me telling me she had a great time and wanted to know when we were getting together again. I told her that I was sorry but I would not be able to see her anymore because my company had just informed me that day that I would be transferred to another location across the country and I would be moving by the end of the week. What a coward I was, but I just could not tell her what I really thought.

I have changed my spots since that fateful evening. No more blind dates set up by friends for me.
From now on I'm sticking to online dating sites that I know I can trust. Needless to say, I am much better at detecting phonies than I used to be, so I seldom have any negative surprises. The only negative things that I have to face now are not getting a good vibe from a woman that I would otherwise be proud to be with forever.

Here is where I found the top dating personals sites to join: